The Rainbow-虹(英文版)- 第17部分

Brangwen　was　full　of　admiration；　deep　thrilling；　almost
reverential　admiration。　He　looked　at　her　with　litup　eyes　when
she　said；　〃we　read〃。　At　last　he　burst　out；　looking　round　the
room：

〃I　didn't　know　our　Alfred　was　this　way　inclined。〃

〃He　is　quite　an　unusual　man。〃

He　looked　at　her　in　amazement。　She　evidently　had　a　new　idea
of　his　brother：　she　evidently　appreciated　him。　He　looked　again
at　the　woman。　She　was　about　forty；　straight；　rather　hard；　a
curious；　separate　creature。　Himself；　he　was　not　in　love　with
her；　there　was　something　chilling　about　her。　But　he　was　filled
with　boundless　admiration。

At　teatime　he　was　introduced　to　her　father；　an　invalid　who
had　to　be　helped　about；　but　who　was　ruddy　and　wellfavoured；
with　snowy　hair　and　watery　blue　eyes；　and　a　courtly　naive　manner
that　again　was　new　and　strange　to　Brangwen；　so　suave；　so　merry；
so　innocent。

His　brother　was　this　woman's　lover！　It　was　too　amazing。
Brangwen　went　home　despising　himself　for　his　own　poor　way　of
life。　He　was　a　clodhopper　and　a　boor；　dull；　stuck　in　the　mud。
More　than　ever　he　wanted　to　clamber　out；　to　this　visionary
polite　world。

He　was　well　off。　He　was　as　well　off　as　Alfred；　who　could　not
have　above　six　hundred　a　year；　all　told。　He　himself　made　about
four　hundred；　and　could　make　more。　His　investments　got　better
every　day。　Why　did　he　not　do　something？　His　wife　was　a　lady
also。

But　when　he　got　to　the　Marsh；　he　realized　how　fixed
everything　was；　how　the　other　form　of　life　was　beyond　him；　and
he　regretted　for　the　first　time　that　he　had　succeeded　to　the
farm。　He　felt　a　prisoner；　sitting　safe　and　easy　and
unadventurous。　He　might；　with　risk；　have　done　more　with　himself。
He　could　neither　read　Browning　nor　Herbert　Spencer；　nor　have
access　to　such　a　room　as　Mrs。　Forbes's。　All　that　form　of　life
was　outside　him。

But　then；　he　said　he　did　not　want　it。　The　excitement　of　the
visit　began　to　pass　off。　The　next　day　he　was　himself；　and　if　he
thought　of　the　other　woman；　there　was　something　about　her　and
her　place　that　he　did　not　like；　something　cold　something　alien；
as　if　she　were　not　a　woman；　but　an　inhuman　being　who　used　up
human　life　for　cold；　unliving　purposes。

The　evening　came　on；　he　played　with　Anna；　and　then　sat　alone
with　his　own　wife。　She　was　sewing。　He　sat　very　still；　smoking；
perturbed。　He　was　aware　of　his　wife's　quiet　figure；　and　quiet
dark　head　bent　over　her　needle。　It　。　It　was
too　peaceful。　He　wanted　to　smash　the　walls　down；　and　let　the
night　in；　so　that　his　wife　should　not　be　so　secure　and　quiet；
sitting　there。　He　wished　the　air　were　not　so　close　and　narrow。
His　wife　was　obliterated　from　him；　she　was　in　her　own　world；
quiet；　secure；　unnoticed；　unnoticing。　He　was　shut　down　by
her。

He　rose　to　go　out。　He　could　not　sit　still　any　longer。　He　must
get　out　of　this　oppressive；　shutdown；　womanhaunt。

His　wife　lifted　her　head　and　looked　at　him。

〃Are　you　going　out？〃　she　asked。

He　looked　down　and　met　her　eyes。　They　were　darker　than
darkness；　and　gave　deeper　space。　He　felt　himself　retreating
before　her；　defensive；　whilst　her　eyes　followed　and　tracked　him
own。

〃I　was　just　going　up　to　Cossethay；〃　he　said。

She　remained　watching　him。

〃Why　do　you　go？〃　she　said。

His　heart　beat　fast；　and　he　sat　down；　slowly。

〃No　reason　particular；〃　he　said；　beginning　to　fill　his　pipe
again；　mechanically。

〃Why　do　you　go　away　so　often？〃　she　said。

〃But　you　don't　want　me；〃　he　replied。

She　was　silent　for　a　while。

〃You　do　not　want　to　be　with　me　any　more；〃　she　said。

It　startled　him。　How　did　she　know　this　truth？　He　thought　it
was　his　secret。

〃Yi；〃　he　said。

〃You　want　to　find　something　else；〃　she　said。

He　did　not　answer。　〃Did　he？〃　he　asked　himself。

〃You　should　not　want　so　much　attention；〃　she　said。　〃You　are
not　a　baby。〃

〃I'm　not　grumbling；〃　he　said。　Yet　he　knew　he　was。

〃You　think　you　have　not　enough；〃　she　said。

〃How　enough？〃

〃You　think　you　have　not　enough　in　me。　But　how　do　you　know　me？
What　do　you　do　to　make　me　love　you？〃

He　was　flabbergasted。

〃I　never　said　I　hadn't　enough　in　you；〃　he　replied。　〃I　didn't
know　you　wanted　making　to　love　me。　What　do　you　want？〃

〃You　don't　make　it　good　between　us　any　more；　you　are　not
interested。　You　do　not　make　me　want　you。〃

〃And　you　don't　make　me　want　you；　do　you　now？〃　There　was　a
silence。　They　were　such　strangers。

〃Would　you　like　to　have　another　woman？〃　she　asked。

His　eyes　grew　round；　he　did　not　know　where　he　was。　How　could
she；　his　own　wife；　say　such　a　thing？　But　she　sat　there；　small
and　foreign　and　separate。　It　dawned　upon　him　she　did　not
consider　herself　his　wife；　except　in　so　far　as　they　agreed。　She
did　not　feel　she　had　married　him。　At　any　rate；　she　was　willing
to　allow　he　might　want　another　woman。　A　gap；　a　space　opened
before　him。

〃No；〃　he　said　slowly。　〃What　other　woman　should　I　want？〃

〃Like　your　brother；〃　she　said。

He　was　silent　for　some　time；　ashamed　also。

〃What　of　her？〃　he　said。　〃I　didn't　like　the　woman。〃

〃Yes；　you　liked　her；〃　she　answered　persistently。

He　stared　in　wonder　at　his　own　wife　as　she　told　him　his　own
heart　so　callously。　And　he　was　indignant。　What　right　had　she　to
sit　there　telling　him　these　things？　She　was　his　wife；　what　right
had　she　to　speak　to　him　like　this；　as　if　she　were　a
stranger。

〃I　didn't；〃　he　said。　〃I　want　no　woman。〃

〃Yes；　you　would　like　to　be　like　Alfred。〃

His　silence　was　one　of　angry　frustration。　He　was　astonished。
He　had　told　her　of　his　visit　to　Wirksworth；　but　briefly；　without
interest；　he　thought。

As　she　sat　with　her　strange　dark　face　turned　towards　him；　her
eyes　watched　him；　inscrutable；　casting　him　up。　He　began　to
oppose　her。　She　was　again　the　active　unknown　facing　him。　Must　he
admit　her？　He　resisted　involuntarily。

〃Why　should　you　want　to　find　a　woman　who　is　more　to　you　than
me？〃　she　said。

The　turbulence　raged　in　his　breast。

〃I　don't；〃　he　said。

〃Why　do　you？〃　she　repeated。　〃Why　do　you　want　to　deny　me？〃

Suddenly；　in　a　flash；　he　saw　she　might　be　lonely；　isolated；
unsure。　She　had　seemed　to　him　the　utterly　certain；　satisfied；
absolute；　excluding　him。　Could　she　need　anything？

〃Why　aren't　you　satisfied　with　me？I'm　not　satisfied
with　you。　Paul　used　to　e　to　me　and　take　me　like　a　man　does。
You　only　leave　me　alone　or　take　me　like　your　cattle；　quickly；　to
fet　me　againso　that　you　can　fet　me　again。〃

〃What　am　I　to　remember　about　you？〃　said　Brangwen。

〃I　want　you　to　know　there　is　somebody　there　besides
yourself。〃

〃Well；　don't　I　know　it？〃

〃You　e　to　me　as　if　it　was　for　nothing；　as　if　I　was　nothing
there。　When　Paul　came　to　me；　I　was　something　to　hima
woman；　I　was。　To　you　I　am　nothingit　is　like
cattleor　nothing〃

〃You　make　me　feel　as　if　I　was　nothing；〃　he　said。

They　were　silent。　She　sat　watching　him。　He　could　not　move；
his　soul　was　seething　and　chaotic。　She　turned　to　her　sewing
again。　But　the　sight　of　her　bent　before　him　held　him　and　would
not　let　him　be。　She　was　a　strange；　hostile；　dominant　thing。　Yet
not　quite　hostile。　As　he　sat　he　felt　his　limbs　were　strong　and
hard；　he　sat　in　strength。

She　was　silent　for　a　long　time；　stitching。　He　was　aware；
poignantly；　of　the　round　shape　of　her　head；　very　intimate；
pelling。　She　lifted　her　head　and　sighed。　The　blood　burned　in
him；　her　voice　ran　to　him　like　fire。

〃e　here；〃　she　said；　unsure。

For　some　moments　he　did　not　move。　Then　he　rose　slowly　and
went　across　the　hearth。　It　required　an　almost　deathly　effort　of
volition；　or　of　acquiescence。　He　stood　before　her　and　looked
down　at　her。　Her　face　was　shining　again；　her　eyes　were　shining
again　like　terrible　laughter。　It　was　to　him　terrible；　how　she
could　be　transfigured。　He　could　not　look　at　her；　it　burnt　his
heart。

〃My　love！〃　she　said。

And　she　put　her　arms　round　him　as　he　stood　before　her　round
his　thighs；　pressing　him　against　her　breast。　And　her　hands　on
him　seemed　to　reveal　to　him　the　mould　of　his　own　nakedness；　he
was　passionately　lovely　to　himself。　He　could　not　bear　to　look　at
her。

〃My　dear！〃　she　said。　He　knew　she　spoke　a　foreign　language。
The　fear　was　like　bliss　in　his　heart。　He　looked　down。　Her　face
was　shining；　her　eyes　were　full　of　light；　she　was　awful。　He
suffered　from　the　pulsion　to　her。　She　was　the　awful　unknown。
He　bent　down　to　her；　suffering；　unable　to　let　go；　unable　to　let
himself　go；　yet　drawn；　driven。　She　was　now　the　transfigured；　she
was　wonderful；　beyond　him。　He　wanted　to　go。　But　he　could　not　as
yet　kiss　her。　He　was　himself　apart。　Easiest　he　could　kiss　her
feet。　But　he　was　too　ashamed　for　the　actual　deed；　which　were
like　an　affront。　She　waited　for　him　to　meet　her；　not　to　bow
before　her　and　serve　her。　She　wanted　his　active　participation；
not　his　submission。　She　put　her　fingers　on　him。　And　it　was
torture　to　him；　that　he　must　give　himself　to　her　actively；
participate　in　her；　that　he　must　meet　and　embrace　and　know　her；
who　was　other　than　himself。　There　was　that　in　him　which　shrank
from　yielding　to　her；　resisted　the　relaxing　towards　her；　opposed
the　mingling　with　her；　even　while　he　most　desired　it。　He　was
afraid；　he　wanted　to　save　himself。

There　were　a　few　moments　of　stillness。　Then　gradually；　the
tension；　the　withholding　relaxed　in　him；　and　he　began　to　flow
towards　her。　She　was　beyond　him；　the　unattainable。　But　he　let　go
his　hold　on　himself；　he　relinquished　himself；　and　knew　the
subterranean　force　of　his　desire　to　e　to　her；　to　be　with　her；
to　mingle　with　her；　losing　himself　to　find　her；　to　find　himself
in　her。　He　began　to　approach　her；　to　draw　near。

His　blood　beat　up　in　waves　of　desire。　He　wanted　to　e　to
her；　to　meet　her。　She　was　there；　if　he　could　reach　her。　The
reality　of　her　who　was　just　beyond　him　absorbed　him。　Blind　and
destroyed；　he　pressed　forward；　nearer；　nearer；　to　receive　the
consummation　of　himself；　he　received　within　the　darkness　which
should　swallow　him　and　yield　him　up　to　himself。　If　he　could　e
really　within　the　blazing　kernel　of　darkness；　if　really　he　could
be　destroyed；　burnt　away　till　he　lit　with　her　in　one
consummation；　that　were　supreme；　supreme。

Their　ing　together　now；　after　two　years　of　married　life；
was　much　more　wonderful　to　them　than　it　had　been　before。　It　was
the　entry　into　another　circle　of　existence；　it　was　the　baptism
to　another　life；　it　was　the　plete　confirmation。　Their　feet
trod　strange　ground　of　knowledge；　their　footsteps　were　litup
with　discovery。　Wherever　they　walked；　it　was　well；　the　world
reechoed　round　them　in　discovery。　They　went　gladly　and
fetful。　Everything　was　lost；　and　everything　was　found。　The
new　world　was　discovered；　it　remained　only　to　be　explored。

They　had　passed　through　the　doorway　into　the　further　space；
where　movement　was　so　big；　that　it　contained　bonds　and
constraints　and　labours；　and　still　was　plete　liberty。　She　was
the　doorway　to　him；　he　to　her。　At　last　they　had　thrown　open　the
doors；　each　to　the　other；　and　had　stood　in　the　doorways　facing
each　other；　whilst　the　light　flooded　out　from　behind　on　to　each
of　their　faces；　it　was　the　transfiguration；　glorification；　the
admission。

And　always　the　light　of　the　transfiguration　burned　on　in
their　hearts。　He　went　his　way；　as　before；　she　went　her　way；　to
the　rest　of　the　world　there　seemed　no　change。　But　to　the　two　of
them；　there　was　the　perpetual　wonder　of