[科幻]宿主- 第40部分

more？　Besides；　what’s　the　point　of　money　when　everyone　is　perfectly　honest？I　paused；　feeling　the　
guilt　again　so　strongly　that　it　was　an　actual　pain。Everyone　but　me；　of　course。　
Melanie　shied　away　from　my　feelings；　worried　by　the　depth　of　them；　worried　that　I　might　change　my　

mind。　Instead　she　focused　on　her　raging　desire　to　be　away　from　here；　to　be　moving　toward　her　objective。　
Her　anxiety　leaked　through　to　me；　and　I　walked　faster。　
I　carried　the　stack　to　the　car　and　set　it　on　the　ground　beside　the　passenger　door。　
“Let　me　help　you　with　that。”　
I　jerked　up　to　see　the　other　man　from　the　store；　a　plastic　bag　in　his　hand；　standing　beside　me。　
“Ah…　thank　you；”　I　finally　managed；　my　pulse　thudding　behind　my　ears。　
We　waited；　Melanie　tensed　as　if　to　run；　while　he　lifted　our　acquisitions　into　the　car。

　There’s　nothing　to　fear。　He’s　being　kind；　too。

　She　continued　to　watch　him　distrustfully。　
“Thank　you；”　I　said　again　as　he　shut　the　door。　
“My　pleasure。”　
He　walked　off　to　his　own　vehicle　without　a　backward　glance　at　us。　I　climbed　into　my　seat　and　grabbed　


the　bag　of　potato　chips。　
Look　at　the　map；she　said。Wait　till　he’s　out　of　sight。　
No　one　is　watching　us；I　promised　her。　But；　with　a　sigh；　I　unfolded　the　map　and　ate　with　one　hand。　It　


was　probably　a　good　idea　to　have　some　sense　of　where　we　were　headed。　


　

　Look　around；she　manded。If　we　can’t　see　it　here；　we’ll　try　the　south　side　of　the　peak。

　See　what？

　She　placed　the　memorized　image　before　me：　a　ragged　zigzagging　line；　four　tight　switchbacks；　the　fifth　
point　strangely　blunt；　like　it　was　broken。　Now　I　saw　it　as　I　should；　a　jagged　range　of　four　pointed　
mountain　peaks　with　the　broken…looking　fifth…

　I　scanned　the　skyline；　east　to　west　across　the　northern　horizon。　It　was　so　easy　it　felt　false；　as　though　I’d　
made　the　image　up　onlyafter　seeing　the　mountain　silhouette　that　created　the　northeast　line　of　the　horizon。

　That’s　it；Melanie　almost　sang　in　her　excitement。Let’s　go！　She　wanted　me　to　be　out　of　the　car；　on　my　
feet；　moving。

　I　shook　my　head；　bending　over　the　map　again。　The　mountain　ridge　was　so　far　in　the　distance　I　couldn’t　
guess　at　the　miles　between　us　and　it。　There　was　no　way　I　was　walking　out　of　this　parking　lot　and　into　the　
empty　desert　unless　I　had　no　other　option。

　Let’s　be　rational；I　suggested；　tracing　my　finger　along　a　thin　ribbon　on　the　map；　an　unnamed　road　that　
connected　to　the　freeway　a　few　miles　east　and　then　continued　in　the　general　direction　of　the　range。

　Sure；she　agreed　placently。The　faster　the　better。

　We　found　the　unpaved　road　easily。　It　was　just　a　pale　scar　of　flat　dirt　through　the　sparse　shrubbery；　
barely　wide　enough　for　one　vehicle。　I　had　a　feeling　that　the　road　would　be　overgrown　with　lack　of　use　in　
a　different　region—some　place　with　more　vital　vegetation；　unlike　the　desert　plants　that　needed　decades　to　
recover　from　such　a　violation。　There　was　a　rusted　chain　stretched　across　the　entrance；　screwed　into　a　
wooden　post　on　one　end；　looped　loosely　around　another　post　at　the　other。　I　moved　quickly；　pulling　the　
chain　free　and　piling　it　at　the　base　of　the　first　post；　hurrying　back　to　my　running　car；　hoping　no　one　would　
pass　and　stop　to　offer　me　help。　The　highway　stayed　clear　as　I　drove　onto　the　dirt　and　then　rushed　back　
to　refasten　the　chain。

　We　both　relaxed　when　the　pavement　disappeared　behind　us。　I　was　glad　that　there　was　apparently　no　
one　left　I　would　have　to　lie　to；　whether　with　words　or　silence。　Alone；　I　felt　less　of　a　renegade。

　Melanie　was　perfectly　at　home　here　in　the　middle　of　nothing。　She　knew　the　names　of　all　the　spiny　plants　
around　us。　She　hummed　their　names　to　herself；　greeting　them　like　old　friends。

　Creosote；　ocotillo；　cholla；　prickly　pear；　mesquite…

　Away　from　the　highway；　the　trappings　of　civilization；　the　desert　seemed　to　take　on　a　new　life　for　
Melanie。　Though　she　appreciated　the　speed　of　the　jolting　car—our　vehicle　didn’t　have　the　ground　
clearance　necessary　for　this　off…road　trip；　as　the　shocks　reminded　me　with　every　pit　in　the　dirt—she　
itched　to　be　on　her　feet；　loping　through　the　safety　of　the　baking　desert。

　We　would　probably　have　to　walk；　and　all　too　soon　for　my　taste；　but　when　that　time　came；　I　doubted　it　
would　satisfy　her。　I　could　feel　the　real　desire　beneath　the　surface。　Freedom。　To　move　her　body　to　the　
familiar　rhythm　of　her　long　stride　with　only　her　will　for　guidance。　For　a　moment；　I　allowed　myself　to　see　
the　prison　that　was　life　without　a　body。　To　be　carried　inside　but　unable　to　influence　the　shape　around　you。　

　

　I　shuddered　and　refocused　on　the　rough　road；　trying　to　stave　off　the　mingled　pity　and　horror。　No　other　
host　had　made　me　feel　such　guilt　for　what　I　was。　Of　course；　none　of　the　others　had　stuck　around　to　
plain　about　the　situation。

　The　sun　was　close　to　the　tips　of　the　western　hills　when　we　had　our　first　disagreement。　The　long　shadows　
created　strange　patterns　across　the　road；　making　it　hard　to　avoid　the　rocks　and　craters。

　There　it　is！Melanie　crowed　as　we　caught　sight　of　another　formation　farther　east：　a　smooth　wave　of　rock；　
interrupted　by　a　sudden　spur　that　swung　a　thin；　long　finger　out　against　the　sky。

　She　was　all　for　turning　immediately　into　the　brush；　no　matter　what　that　did　to　the　car。

　Maybe　we’re　supposed　to　go　all　the　way　to　the　first　landmark；I　pointed　out。　The　little　dirt　road　
continued　to　wind　in　more　or　less　the　right　direction；　and　I　was　terrified　to　leave　it。　How　else　would　I　find　
my　way　back　to　civilization？　Wasn’t　I　going　back？

　I　imagined　the　Seeker　right　at　this　moment；　as　the　sun　touched　the　dark；　zigzagging　line　of　the　western　
horizon。　What　would　she　think　when　I　didn’t　arrive　in　Tucson？　A　spasm　of　glee　made　me　laugh　out　loud。　
Melanie　also　enjoyed　the　picture　of　the　Seeker’s　furious　irritation。　How　long　would　it　take　her　to　go　back　
to　San　Diego　to　see　if　this　had　all　been　a　ploy　to　get　rid　of　her？　And　then　what　steps　would　she　take　
when　I　wasn’t　there？　When　I　wasn’t　anywhere？

　I　just　couldn’t　picture　very　clearly　whereI　would　be　at　that　point。

　Look；　a　dry　wash。　It’s　wide　enough　for　the　car—let’s　follow　it；Melanie　insisted。

　I’m　not　sure　we’re　supposed　to　go　that　way　yet。

　It　will　be　dark　soon　and　we’ll　have　to　stop。　You’re　wasting　time！She　was　silently　shouting　in　her　
frustration。

　Or　saving　time；　if　I’m　right。　Besides；　it’smytime；　isn’t　it？

　She　didn’t　answer　in　words。　She　seemed　to　stretch　inside　my　mind；　reaching　back　toward　the　
convenient　wash。

　I’m　the　one　doing　this；　so　I’m　doing　it　my　way。

　Melanie　fumed　wordlessly　in　response。

　Why　don’t　you　show　me　the　rest　of　the　lines？I　suggested。We　could　see　if　anything　is　visible　before　

night　falls。

　No；she　snapped。I’ll　do　that　part　myway。

　You’re　being　childish。

　Again　she　refused　to　answer。　I　continued　toward　the　four　sharp　peaks；　and　she　sulked。　

　

　Have　you　lost　your　mind？Melanie　hissed。Do　you　have　any　idea　how　visible　headlights　would　be　
out　here？　Someone　is　sure　to　see　us。

　So　what　do　we　do　now？

　Hope　the　seat　reclines。

　I　let　the　engine　idle　as　I　tried　to　think　of　options　besides　sleeping　in　the　car；　surrounded　by　the　black　
emptiness　of　the　desert　night。　Melanie　waited　patiently；　knowing　I　would　find　none。

　This　is　crazy；　you　know；I　told　her；　throwing　the　car　into　park　and　twisting　the　keys　out　of　the　ignition。　
The　whole　thing。　There　can’t　really　be　anyone　out　here。　We　won’t　find　anything。　And　we’re　going　
to　get　hopelessly　lost　trying。　I　had　an　abstract　sense　of　the　physical　danger　in　what　we　were　
planning—wandering　out　into　the　heat　with　no　backup　plan；　no　way　to　return。　I　knew　Melanie　
understood　the　danger　far　more　clearly；　but　she　held　the　specifics　back。

　She　didn’t　respond　to　my　accusations。　None　of　these　problems　bothered　her。　I　could　see　that　she’d　
rather　wander　alone　in　the　desert　for　the　rest　of　her　life　than　go　back　to　the　life　I’d　had　before。　Even　
without　the　threat　of　the　Seeker；　this　was　preferable　to　her。

　I　leaned　the　seat　back　as　far　as　it　would　go。　It　wasn’t　close　to　far　enough　for　fort。　I　doubted　that　I　
would　be　able　to　sleep；　but　there　were　so　many　things　I　wasn’t　allowing　myself　to　think　about　that　my　
mind　was　vacant　and　uninteresting。　Melanie　was　silent；　too。

　I　closed　my　eyes；　finding　little　difference　between　my　lids　and　the　moonless　night；　and　drifted　into　
unconsciousness　with　unexpected　ease。

　CHAPTER　11

　Dehydrated

　Okay！　You　were　right；　you　were　right！”　I　said　the　words　out　loud。　There　was　no　one　around　to　hear　me。

　Melanie　wasn’tsaying　“I　told　you　so。”　Not　in　so　many　words。　But　I　could　feel　the　accusation　in　her　
silence。

　I　was　still　unwilling　to　leave　the　car；　though　it　was　useless　to　me　now。　When　the　gas　ran　out；　I　had　let　it　
roll　forward　with　the　remaining　momentum　until　it　took　a　nosedive　into　a　shallow　gorge—a　thick　rivulet　
cut　by　the　last　big　rain。　Now　I　stared　out　the　windshield　at　the　vast；　vacant　plain　and　felt　my　stomach　
twist　with　panic。

　We　have　to　move；　Wanderer。　It’s　only　going　to　get　hotter。

　If　I　hadn’t　wasted　more　than　a　quarter　of　a　tank　of　gas　stubbornly　pushing　on　to　the　very　base　of　the　
second　landmark—only　to　find　that　the　third　milestone　was　no　longer　visible　from　that　vantage　and　to　
have　to　turn　around　and　backtrack—we　would　have　been　so　much　farther　down　this　sandy　wash；　so　
much　closer　to　our　next　goal。　Thanks　to　me；　we　were　going　to　have　to　travel　on　foot　now。　

　

　C’mon；　c’mon；　c’mon；she　chanted　until　I　lurched；　stiff　and　awkward；　out　of　the　car。　My　back　throbbed　
as　I　straightened　up。　It　hurt　from　sleeping　so　contorted　last　night；　not　from　the　weight　of　the　pack；　the　
pack　wasn’t　that　heavy　when　I　used　my　shoulders　to　lift　it。

　Now　cover　the　car；she　instructed；　picturing　me　ripping　thorny　branches　from　the　nearby　creosotes　and　
palo　verdes　and　draping　them　over　the　silver　top　of　the　car。

　“Why？”

　Her　tone　implied　that　I　was　quite　stupid　for　not　understanding。So　no　one　finds　us。

　But　what　if　I　want　to　be　found？　What　if　there’s　nothing　out　here　but　heat　and　dirt？　We　have　no　
way　to　get　home！

　Home？she　questioned；　throwing　cheerless　images　at　me：　the　vacant　apartment　in　San　Diego；　the　
Seeker’s　most　obnoxious　expression；　the　dot　that　marked　Tucson　on　the　map…　a　brief；　happier　flash　of　
the　red　canyon　that　slipped　in　by　accident。Where　would　that　be？

　I　turned　my　back　on　the　car；　ignoring　her　advice。　I　was　in　too　far　already。　I　wasn’t　going　to　give　up　all　
hope　of　return。　Maybe　someone　would　find　the　car　and　then　find　me。　I　could　easily　and　honestly　explain　
what　I　was　doing　here　to　any　rescuer：　I　was　lost。　I’d　lost　my　way…　lost　my　control…　lost　my　mind。

　I　followed　the　wash　at　first；　letting　my　body　fall　into　its　natural　long…strided　rhythm。　It　wasn’t　the　way　I　
walked　on　the　sidewalks　to　and　from　the　university—it　wasn’tmy　walk　at　all。　But　it　fit　the　rugged　terrain　
here　and　moved　me　smoothly　forward　with　a　speed　that　surprised　me　until　I　got　used　to　it。

　“What　if　I　hadn’t　e　this　way？”　I　wondered　as　I　walked　farther　into　the　desert　waste。　“What　if　Healer　
Fords　were　still　in　Chicago？　What　if　my　path　hadn’t　taken　us　s