Alex and I were less than adorable together lately； and I had
to admit that Lily had； in her buzzed but nonetheless
perceptive way； noticed that I was not happy to hear that Alex
had arrived。 I was dreading telling him that I had to go to
Europe； dreading the inevitable fight that would ensue； a
fight I very much would have liked to put off for a few more
days。 Ideally； not until I was in Europe。 But no such luck； as
he was currently knocking on my door。
“Hi！” I said a bit too enthusiastically as I pulled open the
door and threw my arms around his neck。 “What a great
surprise！”
“You don’t mind that I just stopped by； do you？ I met Max for
a drink right around the corner and I thought I’d say hi。”
“Of course I don’t mind； silly！ I’m thrilled。 e in； e
in。” I knew I sounded positively manic； but any armchair
shrink could easily point out that my outward enthusiasm was
meant to overpensate for all that was lacking inwardly。
He grabbed a beer and kissed Lily on the cheek and settled
into the bright orange armchair my parents had saved from the
seventies； just knowing that one day they could bestow it
proudly on one of their offspring。 “So； what’s going on here？”
he asked； nodding toward the stereo； where a positively
heart…wrenching version of “Hallelujah” was blaring。
Lily shrugged。 “Procrastinating。 What else？”
“Well； I have some news；” I said； trying to sound enthusiastic
to convince both myself and Alex that this was； in fact； a
positive development。 He’d been so excited about arranging all
the plans for our Homeing weekend—and I’d been so pushy in
getting him to do it—that it seemed downright cruel to be
canceling on him less than a week and a half before we were
going。 We’d spent an entire night figuring out whom we wanted
to invite to our big Sunday brunch； and even knew exactly
where and with whom we’d be tailgating before the
Brown–Dartmouth game on Saturday。
They both looked at me； not a little warily； until Alex
finally managed； “Yeah？ What’s up？”
“Well！ I just got the call—I’m going to Paris for a week！” I
said this with the exuberance of telling an infertile couple
that they were having twins。
“You’re going where？” Lily asked； looking puzzled and
distracted； not entirely interested。
“You’re goingwhy ？” Alex asked at the exact same moment；
looking about as pleased as if I’d just announced that I had
tested positive for syphilis。
“Emily just found out she has mono； and Miranda wants me to
acpany her to the shows。 Isn’t that awesome？” I said； a
chipper smile on my face。 This was exhausting。 I was dreading
having to go myself； but it made it ten times worse to have to
convince him that it was actually a really great opportunity。
“I don’t understand。 Doesn’t she go to the shows like a
thousand times a year？” he asked。 I nodded。 “So why does she
all of a sudden need you to go with her now？”
Lily had tuned out at this point and seemed to be engrossed in
flipping through an old issue ofThe New Yorker 。 I’d saved
every copy from the past five years。
“She throws this massive party at the spring shows in Paris
and just likes to have one of her American assistants be
there。 She’ll go to Milan first and then we’ll meet in Paris。
To； you know； oversee everything。”
“And that American assistant has to be you； and it has to mean
you’ll be missing Homeing；” he said flatly。
“Well； it’s not normally the way it works。 Since it’s
considered a huge privilege； usually the senior assistant is
the only one who gets to go； but since Emily is sick； then；
yes； now I will be going。 I have to leave next Tuesday； so I
can’t go to Providence that weekend。 I’m really； really
sorry。” I moved off my chair and went to sit closer to him on
the couch； but he immediately stiffened。
“So it’s just that simple； right？ You know； I already paid for
the entire room to guarantee the rate。 Never mind the fact
thatI rearrangedmy whole schedule to go with you that weekend。
I told my mom she had to find a sitter becauseyou wanted to
go。 Not a big deal； though； right？ Just anotherRunway
obligation。” In all the years we’d spent together； I’d never
seen him so angry。 Even Lily looked up from her magazine long
enough to excuse herself and get the hell out of the room
before this turned into an all…out war。
I tried to curl up on his lap； but he crossed his legs and
waved his hand。 “Seriously； Andrea—” He called me that only
when he was really annoyed。 “Is all of this really worth it？
Be honest with me for a second。 Is it worth it to you？”
“All of what？ Is missing a Homeing weekend when there will
be dozens more worth it to do something I’m required to do for
my job？ A job that is going to open doors for me I never
thought possible； and sooner than I ever expected？ Yes！ It’s
worth it。”
His chin dropped to his chest and for a moment I thought he
was crying； but when he lifted it again； his face revealed
nothing but rage。
“Don’t you think I’d rather go with you than go be someone’s
slave twenty…four…seven for a straight week？” I shouted；
forgetting entirely that Lily was somewhere in the apartment。
“Can’t you stop for one second to think about the fact that I
may not want to go either； but I have no choice？”
“No choice？ You have nothingbut choices！ Andy； this job isn’t
just a job anymore； in case you’ve failed to notice—it’s taken
over your entire life！” he yelled back； the redness in his
face expanding to his neck and ears。 Normally I thought this
was very cute； even sexy； but tonight I just wanted to go to
sleep。
“Alex； listen； I know—”
“No；you listen！ Forget about me for a second； not like that’s
such a stretch； but forget that we never； ever see each other
anymore because of the hours you keep at work； because of your
never…ending work emergencies。 What about your parents？ When
was the last time you actually saw them？ And your sister？ You
do realize that she just had her first baby and you haven’t
even seen your own nephew yet； don’t you？ Doesn’t that mean
anything？” He lowered his voice and leaned in closer。 I
thought he might be getting ready to apologize； but he said；
“What about Lily？ Have you not noticed that your best friend
has turned into a raging alcoholic？” I must have looked
absolutely shocked； because he barreled on。 “You can’t even
think of saying you didn’t realize that； Andy。 It’s the most
obvious thing in the world。”
“Yes； of course she drinks。 So do you and so do I and so does
everyone we know。 Lily’s a student； and that’s what students
do； Alex。 What’s so weird about that？” It sounded even more
pathetic when I said it out loud； and he only shook his head。
We were both quiet for a few minutes until he spoke。
“You just don’t get it； Andy。 I’m not exactly sure how it
happened； but I feel like I don’t even know you anymore。 I
think we need a break。”
“What？ What are you saying？ You want to break up？” I asked；
realizing much too late that he was very； very serious。 Alex
was so understanding； so sweet； so available； that I’d begun
to take for granted that he’d always be around to listen or
talk me down after a long day or cheer me up when everyone
else had felt free to take a swing。 The only problem with all
of this was that I wasn’t exactly holding up my end of the
deal。
“No； not at all。 Not break up； just take a break。 I think it
would help both of us if we reevaluate what we’ve got going
here。 You sure don’t seem happy with me lately； and I can’t
say I’m thrilled with you。 Maybe a little time away would be
good for both of us。”
“Good for both of us？ You think it’ll ‘help us’？” I wanted to
scream at the triteness of his words； at the idea that “taking
some time” would actually help draw us closer。 It seemed
selfish that he was doing this now； just as I was going into
what I hoped was the last of my one…yearRunway sentence and
mere days before I had to pull off the biggest challenge of my
career。 Any quick jabs of sadness or concern from a few
minutes ago had been swiftly replaced with irritation。 “Fine；
then。 Let’s ‘take a break；’ ” I said sarcastically； meanly。 “A
breather。 Sounds like a great plan。”
He stared at me with those big brown eyes with a look of
overwhelming surprise and hurt； and then pressed them tightly
shut in an apparent effort to push away the image of my face。
“OK； Andy。 I’ll put you out of your obvious misery and leave
now。 I hope you have a great time in Paris； I really do。 I’ll
talk to you soon。” And before I even realized that it was
actually happening； he’d kissed me on the cheek like he would
Lily or my mother and walked toward the door。
“Alex； don’t you think we should talk about this？” I said；
trying to keep my voice calm； wondering if he would actually
walk out right now。
He turned and smiled sadly and said； “Let’s not talk any more
tonight； Andy。 We should’ve been talking the past few months；
the pastyear； not trying to cram it all in right now。 Think
about everything； OK？ I’ll call you in a couple weeks； when
you’re back and settled。 And good luck in Paris—I know you’ll
be great。” He opened the door； stepped through it； and quietly
closed it behind him。
I ran to Lily’s room so she could tell me that he was
overreacting； that I had to go to Paris because it was the
best thing for my future； that she didn’t have a drinking
problem； that I wasn’t a bad sister for leaving the country
when Jill had just had her first baby。 But she was passed out
on top of her covers； fully dressed； the empty cocktail glass
on her bedside table。 Her Toshiba laptop was open beside her
on the bed； and I wondered if she’d managed to write a single
word。 I looked。 Bravo！ She’d written the heading； plete
with her name； the class number； the professor’s name； and her
presumably temporary version of the article’s title： “The
Psychological Ramifications of Falling in Love with Your
Reader。” I laughed out loud； but she didn’t stir； so I moved
the puter back to her desk and set her alarm for seven and
turned out the lights。
My Cell Phone rang as soon as I walked in my bedroom。 After
the initial five…second usual heart…pounding session I endured
each time it rang for fear that it was Her； I flipped it open
im