〃I'm your partner when we play tennis； which we ought to start doing again； by the way。 Otherwise I'm your wife。 Do you want me to read to you？〃
〃First…rate。〃
〃I know you like me to read sexy stuff。〃
〃I thought you liked it too。〃
〃Isn't it basically the person being read to who derives the benefit and the satisfaction？ When I read to Old Man Treadwell； it's not because I find those tabloids stimulating。〃
〃Treadwell's blind； I'm not。 I thought you liked to read erotic passages。〃
〃If it pleases you； then I like to do it。〃
〃But it has to please you too； Baba。 Otherwise how would I feel？〃
〃It pleases me that you enjoy my reading。〃
〃I get the feeling a burden is being shifted back and forth。 The burden of being the one who is pleased。〃
〃I want to read； Jack。 Honestly。〃
〃Are you totally and pletely sure？ Because if you're not； we absolutely won't。〃
Someone turned on the TV set at the end of the hall； and a woman's voice said： 〃If it breaks easily into pieces； it is called shale。 When wet； it smells like clay。〃
We listened to the gently plummeting stream of nighttime traffic。
I said； 〃Pick your century。 Do you want to read about Etruscan slave girls； Georgian rakes？ I think we have some literature on flagellation brothels。 What about the Middle Ages？ We have incubi and succubi。 Nuns galore。〃
〃Whatever's best for you。〃
〃I want you to choose。 It's sexier that way。〃
〃One person chooses； the other reads。 Don't we want a balance； a sort of give…and…take？ Isn't that what makes it sexy？〃
〃A tautness； a suspense。 First…rate。 I will choose。〃
〃I will read；〃 she said。 〃But I don't want you to choose anything that has men inside women； quote…quote； or men entering women。 'I entered her。' 'He entered me。' We're not lobbies or elevators。 'I wanted him inside me；' as if he could crawl pletely in； sign the register； sleep； eat； so forth。 Can we agree on that？ I don't care what these people do as long as they don't enter or get entered。〃
〃Agreed。〃
〃'I entered her and began to thrust。'〃
〃I'm in total agreement；〃 I said。
〃'Enter me； enter me； yes； yes。'〃
〃Silly usage； absolutely。〃
〃'Insert yourself； Rex。 I want you inside me； entering hard； entering deep； yes； now； oh。'〃
I began to feel an erection stirring。 How stupid and out of context。 Babette laughed at her own lines。 The TV said： 〃Until Florida surgeons attached an artificial flipper。〃
Babette and I tell each other everything。 I have told everything； such as it was at the time； to each of my wives。 There is more to tell； of course； as marriages accumulate。 But when I say I believe in plete disclosure I don't mean it cheaply； as anecdotal sport or shallow revelation。 It is a form of self…renewal and a gesture of custodial trust。 Love helps us develop an identity secure enough to allow itself to be placed in another's care and protection。 Babette and I have turned our lives for each other's thoughtful regard； turned them in the moonlight in our pale hands； spoken deep into the night about fathers and mothers； childhood； friendships； awakenings； old loves； old fears （except fear of death）。 No detail must be left out； not even a dog with ticks or a neighbor's boy who ate an insect on a dare。 The smell of pantries； the sense of empty afternoons； the feel of things as they rained across our skin； things as facts and passions； the feel of pain； loss； disappointment； breathless delight。 In these night recitations we create a space between things as we felt them at the time and as we speak them now。 This is the space reserved for irony； sympathy and fond amusement； the means by which we rescue ourselves from the past。
I decided on the twentieth century。 I put on my bathrobe and went down the hall to Heinrich's room to find a trashy magazine Babette might read from； the type that features letters from readers detailing their sexual experiences。 This struck me as one of the few things the modern imagination has contributed to the history of erotic practices。 There is a double fantasy at work in such letters。 People write down imagined episodes and then see them published in a national magazine。 Which is the greater stimulation？
Wilder was in there watching Heinrich do a physics experiment with steel balls and a salad bowl。 Heinrich wore a terry cloth robe； a towel around his neck； another towel on his head。 He told me to look downstairs。
In a stack of material I found some family photo albums； one or two of them at least fifty years old。 I took them up to the bedroom。 We spent hours going through them； sitting up in bed。 Children wincing in the sun； women in sun hats； men shading their eyes from the glare as if the past possessed some quality of light we no longer experience； a Sunday dazzle that caused people in their churchgoing clothes to tighten their faces and stand at an angle to the future； somewhat averted it seemed； wearing fixed and finedrawn smiles； skeptical of something in the nature of the box camera。
Who will die first？
8
My struggle with the German tongue began in mid…October and lasted nearly the full academic year。 As the most prominent figure in Hitler studies in North America； I had long tried to conceal the fact that I did not know German。 I could not speak or read it； could not understand the spoken word or begin to put the simplest sentence on paper。 The least of my Hitler colleagues knew some German； others were either fluent in the language or reasonably conversant。 No one could major in Hitler studies at the College…on…the…Hill without a minimum of one year of German。 I was living； in short； on the edge of a landscape of vast shame。
The German tongue。 Fleshy； warped； spit…spraying； purplish and cruel。 One eventually had to confront it。 Wasn't Hitler's own struggle to express himself in German the crucial subtext of his massive ranting autobiography； dictated in a fortress prison in the Bavarian hills？ Grammar and syntax。 The man may have felt himself imprisoned in more ways than one。
I'd made several attempts to learn German； serious probes into origins； structures； roots。 I sensed the deathly power of the language。 I wanted to speak it well； use it as a charm； a protective device。 The more I shrank from learning actual words； rules and pronunciation； the more important it seemed that I go forward。 What we are reluctant to touch often seems the very fabric of our salvation。 But the basic sounds defeated me； the harsh spurting northernness of the words and syllables； the mand delivery。 Something happened between the back of my tongue and the roof of my mouth that made a mockery of my attempts to sound German words。
I was determined to try again。
Because I'd achieved high professional standing； because my lectures were well attended and my articles printed in the major journals； because I wore an academic gown and dark glasses day and night whenever I was on campus； because I carried two hundred and thirty pounds on a six…foot three…inch frame and had big hands and feet； I knew my German lessons would have to be secret。
I contacted a man not affiliated with the college； someone Murray Jay Siskind had told me about。 They were fellow boarders in the green…shingled house on Middlebrook。 The man was in his fifties； a slight shuffle in his walk。 He had thinning hair； a bland face and wore his shirtsleeves rolled up to his forearms； revealing thermal underwear beneath。
His plexion was of a tone I want to call flesh…colored。 Howard Dunlop was his name。 He said he was a former chiropractor but didn't offer a reason why he was no longer active and didn't say when he'd learned German； or why； and something in his manner kept me from asking。
We sat in his dark crowded room at the boarding house。 An ironing board stood unfolded at the window。 There were chipped enamel pots； trays of utensils set on a dresser。 The furniture was vague； foundling。 At the borders of the room were the elemental things。 An exposed radiator； an army…blanketed cot。 Dunlop sat at the edge of a straight chair； intoning generalities of grammar。 When he switched from English to German； it was as though a cord had been twisted in his larynx。 An abrupt emotion entered his voice； a scrape and gargle that sounded like the stirring of some beast's ambition。 He gaped at me and gestured； he croaked； he verged on strangulation。 Sounds came spewing from the base of his tongue； harsh noises damp with passion。 He was only demonstrating certain basic pronunciation patterns but the transformation in his face and voice made me think he was making a passage between levels of being。
I sat there taking notes。
The hour went quickly。 Dunlop managed a scant shrug when I asked him not to discuss the lessons with anyone。 It occurred to me that he was the man Murray had described in his summary of fellow boarders as the one who never es out of his room。
I stopped at Murray's room and asked him to e home with me for dinner。 He put down his copy of American Transvestite and slipped into his corduroy jacket。 We stopped on the porch long enough for Murray to tell the landlord； who was sitting there； about a dripping faucet in the second…floor bathroom。 The landlord was a large florid man of such robust and bursting health that he seemed to be having a heart attack even as we looked on。
〃He'll get around to fixing it；〃 Murray said； as we set out on foot in the direction of Elm。 〃He fixes everything eventually。 He's very good with all those little tools and fixtures and devices that people in cities never know the names of。 The names of these things are only known in outlying munities； small towns and rural areas。 Too bad he's such a bigot。〃
〃How do you know he's a bigot？〃
〃People who can fix things are usually bigots。〃
〃What do you mean？〃
'Think of all the people who've ever e to your house to fix things。 They were all bigots； weren't they？〃
〃I don't know。〃
〃They drove panel trucks； didn't they； with an extension ladder on the roof and some kind of plastic charm dangling from the rearview mirror？〃
〃I don't know； Murray。〃
〃It's obvious；〃 he said。
He asked me why I'd chosen this year in particular to learn German； after so many years of slipping past the radar。 I told him there was a Hitler conference scheduled for next spring at the College…on…the…Hill。 Three days of lectures； workshops and panels。 Hitler scholars from seventeen states and nine foreign countries。 Actual Germans would be in attendance。
At home Denise placed a moist bag of garbage in the kitchen pactor。 She started up the machine。 The ram stroked downward with a dreadful wrenching sound； full of eerie feeling。 Children walked in and out of the kitchen； water dripped in the sink； the washing machine heaved in the entranceway。 Murray seemed engrossed in the incidental mesh。 Whining metal； exploding bottles； plastic smashed flat。 Denise listened carefully； making sure the mangling din contained the correct sonic elements； which meant the machine was operating properly。
Heinrich said to someone on the phone； 〃Animals mit incest all the time。 So how unnatural can it be？〃
Babette came in from running； her outfit soaked through。 Murra