〃Tegrin； Denorex； Selsun Blue。〃
Murray wrote something in his little book。 I watched him step deftly around a dozen fallen eggs oozing yolky matter from a busted carton。
〃Why do I feel so good when I'm with Wilder？ It's not like being with the other kids；〃 I said。
〃You sense his total ego； his freedom from limits。〃
〃In what way is he free from limits？〃
〃He doesn't know he's going to die。 He doesn't know death at all。 You cherish this simpleton blessing of his； this exemption from harm。 You want to get close to him； touch him； look at him； breathe him in。 How lucky he is。 A cloud of unknowing； an omnipotent little person。 The child is everything； the adult nothing。 Think about it。 A person's entire life is the unraveling of this conflict。 No wonder we're bewildered； staggered； shattered。〃
〃Aren't you going too far？〃
〃I'm from New York。〃
〃We create beautiful and lasting things； build vast civilizations。〃
〃Gorgeous evasions；〃 he said。 〃Great escapes。〃
The doors parted photoelectronically。 We went outside； walking past the dry cleaner； the hairstylist； the optician。 Murray relighted his pipe； sucking impressively at the mouthpiece。
〃We have talked about ways to get around death；〃 he said。 〃We have discussed how you've already tried two such ways； each cancelling the other。 We have mentioned technology； train wrecks； belief in an afterlife。 There are other methods as well and I would like to talk about one such approach。〃
We crossed the street。
〃I believe； Jack； there are two kinds of people in the world。 Killers and diers。 Most of us are diers。 We don't have the disposition； the rage or whatever it takes to be a killer。 We let death happen。 We lie down and die。 But think what it's like to be a killer。 Think how exciting it is； in theory； to kill a person in direct confrontation。 If he dies； you cannot。 To kill him is to gain life…credit。 The more people you kill； the more credit you store up。 It explains any number of massacres； wars； executions。〃
〃Are you saying that men have tried throughout history to cure themselves of death by killing others？〃
〃It's obvious。〃
〃And you call this exciting？〃
〃I'm talking theory。 In theory； violence is a form of rebirth。 The dier passively succumbs。 The killer lives on。 What a marvelous equation。 As a marauding band amasses dead bodies； it gathers strength。 Strength accumulates like a favor from the gods。〃
〃What does this have to do with me？〃
〃This is theory。 We're a couple of academics taking a walk。 But imagine the visceral jolt； seeing your opponent bleeding in the dust。〃
〃You think it adds to a person's store of credit； like a bank transaction。〃
〃Nothingness is staring you in the face。 Utter and permanent oblivion。 You will cease to be。 To be； Jack。 The dier accepts this and dies。 The killer； in theory； attempts to defeat his own death by killing others。 He buys time； he buys life。 Watch others squirm。 See the blood trickle in the dust。〃
I looked at him； amazed。 He drew contentedly on his pipe； making hollow sounds。
〃It's a way of controlling death。 A way of gaining the ultimate upper hand。 Be the killer for a change。 Let someone else be the dier。 Let him replace you； theoretically； in that role。 You can't die if he does。 He dies； you live。 See how marvelously simple。〃
〃You say this is what people have been doing for centuries。〃
'They're still doing it。 They do it on a small intimate scale； they do it in groups and crowds and masses。 Kill to live。〃
〃Sounds pretty awful。〃
He seemed to shrug。 〃Slaughter is never random。 The more people you kill； the more power you gain over your own death。 There is a secret precision at work in the most savage and indiscriminate killings。 To speak about this is not to do public relations for murder。 We're two academics in an intellectual environment。 It's our duty to examine currents of thought； investigate the meaning of human behavior。 But think how exciting； to e out a winner in a deathly struggle； to watch the bastard bleed。〃
〃Plot a murder； you're saying。 But every plot is a murder in effect。 To plot is to die； whether we know it or not。〃
'To plot is to live；〃 he said。
I looked at him。 I studied his face； his hands。
〃We start our lives in chaos； in babble。 As we surge up into the world； we try to devise a shape； a plan。 There is dignity in this。 Your whole life is a plot； a scheme； a diagram。 It is a failed scheme but that's not the point。 To plot is to affirm life； to seek shape and control。 Even after death； most particularly after death； the search continues。 Burial rites are an attempt to plete the scheme； in ritual。 Picture a state funeral； Jack。 It is all precision； detail； order； design。 The nation holds its breath。 The efforts of a huge and powerful government are brought to bear on a ceremony that will shed the last trace of chaos。 If all goes well； if they bring it off； some natural law of perfection is obeyed。 The nation is delivered from anxiety； the deceased's life is redeemed； life itself is strengthened； reaffirmed。〃
〃Are you sure？〃 I said。
〃To plot； to take aim at something； to shape time and space。 This is how we advance the art of human consciousness。〃
We moved in a wide arc back toward campus。 Streets in deep and soundless shade； garbage bags set out for collection。 We crossed the sunset overpass； pausing briefly to watch the cars shoot by。 Sunlight bouncing off the glass and chrome。
〃Are you a killer or a dier； Jack？〃
〃You know the answer to that。 I've been a dier all my life。〃
〃What can you do about it？〃
〃What can any dier do？ Isn't it implicit in his makeup that he can't cross over？〃
〃Let's think about that。 Let's examine the nature of the beast； so to speak。 The male animal。 Isn't there a fund； a pool； a reservoir of potential violence in the male psyche？〃
〃In theory I suppose there is。〃
〃We're talking theory。 That's exactly what we're talking。 Two friends on a tree…shaded street。 What else but theory？ Isn't there a deep field； a sort of crude oil deposit that one might tap if and when the occasion warrants？ A great dark lake of male rage。〃
'That's what Babette says。 Homicidal rage。 You sound like her。〃
〃Amazing lady。 Is she right or wrong？〃
〃In theory？ She's probably right。〃
〃Isn't there a sludgy region you'd rather not know about？ A remnant of some prehistoric period when dinosaurs roamed the earth and men fought with flint tools？ When to kill was to live？〃
〃Babette talks about male biology。 Is it biology or geology？〃
〃Does it matter； Jack？ We only want to know whether it is there； buried in the most prudent and unassuming soul。〃
〃I suppose so。 It can be。 It depends。〃
〃Is it or isn't it there？〃
〃It's there； Murray。 So what？〃
〃I only want to hear you say it。 That's all。 I only want to elicit truths you already possess； truths you've always known at some basic level。〃
〃Are you saying a dier can bee a killer？〃
〃I'm only a visiting lecturer。 I theorize； I take walks； I admire the trees and houses。 I have my students； my rented room； my TV set。 I pick out a word here； an image there。 I admire the lawns； the porches。 What a wonderful thing a porch is。 How did I live a life without a porch to sit on； up till now？ I speculate； I reflect； I take constant notes。 I am here to think； to see。 Let me warn you； Jack。 I won't let up。〃
We passed my street and walked up the hill to the campus。
〃Who's your doctor？〃
〃Chakravarty；〃 I said。
〃Is he good？〃
〃How would I know？〃
〃My shoulder separates。 An old sexual injury。〃
〃I'm afraid to see him。 I put the printout of my death in the bottom drawer of a dresser。〃
〃I know how you feel。 But the tough part is yet to e。 You've said good…bye to everyone but yourself。 How does a person say good…bye to himself？ It's a juicy existential dilemma。〃
〃It certainly is。〃
We walked past the administration building。
〃I hate to be the one who says it； Jack； but there's something that has to be said。〃
〃What？〃
〃Better you than me。〃
I nodded gravely。 〃Why does this have to be said？〃
〃Because friends have to be brutally honest with each other。
I'd feel terrible if I didn't tell you what I was thinking； especially at a time like this。〃
〃I appreciate it； Murray。 I really do。〃
〃Besides； it's part of the universal experience of dying。 Whether you think about it consciously or not； you're aware at some level that people are walking around saying to themselves； 'Better him than me。' It's only natural。 You can't blame them or wish them ill。〃
〃Everyone but my wife。 She wants to die first。〃
〃Don't be so sure；〃 he said。
We shook hands in front of the library。 I thanked him for his honesty。
〃That's what it all es down to in the end；〃 he said。 〃A person spends his life saying good…bye to other people。 How does he say good…bye to himself？〃
I threw away picture…frame wire； metal book ends； cork coasters； plastic key tags； dusty bottles of Mercurochrome and Vaseline； crusted paintbrushes； caked shoe brushes； clotted correction fluid。 I threw away candle stubs； laminated placemats； frayed pot holders。 I went after the padded clothes hangers； the magnetic memo clipboards。 I was in a vengeful and near savage state。 I bore a personal grudge against these things。 Somehow they'd put me in this fix。 They'd dragged me down； made escape impossible。 The two girls followed me around； observing a respectful silence。 I threw away my battered khaki canteen； my ridiculous hip boots。 I threw away diplomas； certificates； awards and citations。 When the girls stopped me； I was working the bathrooms； discarding used bars of soap； damp towels； shampoo bottles with streaked labels and missing caps。
PLEASE NOTE。 In several days； your new automated banking card will arrive in the mail。 If it is a red card with a silver stripe； your secret code will be the same as it is now。 If it is a green card with a gray stripe； you must appear at your branch； with your card； to devise a new secret code。 Codes based on birthdays are popular。 WARNING。 Do not write down your code。
Do not carry your code on your person。 REMEMBER。 You cannot access your account unless your code is entered properly。 Know your code。 Reveal your code to no one。 Only your code allows you to enter the system。
38
My head was between her breasts； where it seemed to be spending a lot of time lately。 She stroked my shoulder。
〃Murray says the problem is that we don't repress our fear。〃
〃Repress it？〃
〃Some people have the gift； some don't。〃
〃The gift？ I thought repression was outdated。 They've been telling us for years not to repress our fears and desires。 Repression causes tension； anxiety； unhappiness； a hundred diseases and conditions。 I thought the last thing we were supposed to do was repress something。 They've been telling us to talk about our fears； get in touch with our feelings。〃
〃Getting in touch with death is not what they had in mind。 Death is so strong that we have to repress； those of us who know how。〃
〃But repression is totally false and mechanical。 Everybody knows that。 We're not supposed