ray told me once he had a crush on her； found her physical awkwardness a sign of an intelligence developing almost too rapidly； and I thought I knew what he meant。 She was poking and snatching at the world around； overrunning it at times。
〃I don't know what your personal involvement is with this substance；〃 she said； 〃but I think it's a mistake to lose one's sense of death； even one's fear of death。 Isn't death the boundary we need？ Doesn't it give a precious texture to life； a sense of definition？ You have to ask yourself whether anything you do in this life would have beauty and meaning without the knowledge you carry of a final line； a border or limit。〃
I watch light climb into the rounded summits of high…altitude clouds。 Clorets； Velamints； Freedent。
〃People think I'm spacey；〃 she said。 〃I have a spacey theory about human fear； sure enough。 Picture yourself； Jack； a confirmed homebody； a sedentary fellow who finds himself walking in a deep wood。 You spot something out of the corner of your eye。 Before you know anything else； you know that this thing is very large and that it has no place in your ordinary frame of reference。 A flaw in the world picture。 Either it shouldn't be here or you shouldn't。 Now the thing es into full view。 It is a grizzly bear； enormous； shiny brown； swaggering； dripping slime from its bared fangs。 Jack； you have never seen a large animal in the wild。 The sight of this grizzer is so electrifyingly strange that it gives you a renewed sense of yourself； a fresh awareness of the self—the self in terms of a unique and horrific situation。 You see yourself in a new and intense way。 You rediscover yourself。 You are lit up for your own imminent dismemberment。 The beast on hind legs has enabled you to see who you are as if for the first time； outside familiar surroundings； alone； distinct； whole。 The name we give to this plicated process is fear。〃
〃Fear is self…awareness raised to a higher level。〃
〃That's right； Jack。〃
〃And death？〃 I said。
〃Self； self； self。 If death can be seen as less strange and unreferenced； your sense of self in relation to death will diminish； and so will your fear。〃
〃What do I do to make death less strange？ How do I go about it？〃
〃I don't know。〃
〃Do I risk death by driving fast around curves？ Am I supposed to go rock climbing on weekends？〃
〃I don't know；〃 she said。 〃I wish I knew。〃
〃Do I scale the sheer facade of a ninety…story building； wearing a clip…on belt？ What do I do； Winnie？ Do I sit in a cage full of African snakes like my son's best friend？ This is what people do today。〃
〃I think what you do； Jack； is forget the medicine in that tablet。 There is no medicine； obviously。〃
She was right。 They were all right。 Gp on with my life； raise my kids； teach my students。 Try not to think of that staticky figure in the Grayview Motel putting his unfinished hands on my wife。
〃I'm still sad； Winnie； but you've given my sadness a richness and depth it has never known before。〃
She turned away； blushing。
I said； 〃You're more than a fair…weather friend—you're a true enemy。〃
She turned exceedingly red。
I said； 〃Brilliant people never think of the lives they smash； being brilliant。〃
I watched her blush。 She used both hands to pull her knit cap down over her ears。 We took a last look at the sky and started walking down the hill。
31
DID YOU REMEMBER： 1） to make out your check to Waveform Dynamics？ 2） to write your account number on your check？ 3） to sign your check？ 4） to send payment in full； as we do not accept partial payment？ 5） to enclose your original payment document； not a reproduced copy？ 6） to enclose your document in such a way that the address appears in the window？ 7） to detach the green portion of your document along the dotted line to retain for your records？ 8） to supply your correct address and zip code？ 9） to inform us at least three weeks before you plan to move？ 10） to secure the envelope flap？ 11） to place a stamp on the envelope； as the post office will not deliver without postage？ 12） to mail the envelope at least three days before the date entered in the blue box？
CABLE HEALTH； CABLE WEATHER； CABLE NEWS； CABLE NATURE。
No one wanted to cook that night。 We all got in the car and went out to the mercial strip in the no man's land beyond the town boundary。 The never…ending neon。 I pulled in at a place that specialized in chicken parts and brownies。 We decided to eat in the car。 The car was sufficient for our needs。 We wanted to eat； not look around at other people。 We wanted to fill our stomachs and get it over with。 We didn't need light and space。 We certainly didn't need to face each other across a table as we ate； building a subtle and plex cross…network of signals and codes。 We were content to eat facing in the same direction； looking only inches past our hands。 There was a kind of rigor in this。 Denise brought the food out to the car and distributed paper napkins。 We settled in to eat。 We ate fully dressed； in hats and heavy coats； without speaking； ripping into chicken parts with our hands and teeth。 There was a mood of intense concentration； minds converging on a single pelling idea。 I was surprised to find I was enormously hungry。 I chewed and ate； looking only inches past my hands。 This is how hunger shrinks the world。 This is the edge of the observable universe of food。 Steffie tore off the crisp skin of a breast and gave it to Heinrich。 She never ate the skin。 Babette sucked a bone。 Heinrich traded wings with Denise； a large for a small。 He thought small wings were tastier。 People gave Babette their bones to clean and suck。 I fought off an image of Mr。 Cray lazing naked on a motel bed； an unresolved picture collapsing at the edges。 We sent Denise to get more food； waiting for her in silence。 Then we started in again； half stunned by the dimensions of our pleasure。
Steffie said quietly； 〃How do astronauts float？〃
There was a pause like a missing tick in eternity。
Denise stopped eating to say； 'They're lighter than air。〃
We all stopped eating。 A worried silence ensued。
〃There is no air；〃 Heinrich said finally。 〃They can't be lighter than something that isn't there。 Space is a vacuum except for heavy molecules。〃
〃I thought space was cold；〃 Babette said。 〃If there's no air； how can it be cold？ What makes warm or cold？ Air； or so I thought。 If there's no air； there should be no cold。 Like a nothing kind of day。〃
〃How can there be nothing？〃 Denise said。 〃There has to be something。〃
'There is something；〃 Heinrich said in exasperation。 'There's heavy molecules。〃
〃Do…I…need…a…sweater kind of day；〃 Babette said。
There was another pause。 We waited to learn if the dialogue was over。 Then we set to eating again。 We traded unwanted parts in silence； stuck our hands in cartons of rippled fries。 Wilder liked the soft white fries and people picked these out and gave them to him。 Denise distributed ketchup in little watery pouches。
The interior of the car smelled of grease and licked flesh。 We traded parts and gnawed。
Steffie said in a small voice； 〃How cold is space？〃
We all waited once more。 Then Heinrich said； 〃It depends on how high you go。 The higher you go； the colder it gets。〃
〃Wait a minute；〃 Babette said。 〃The higher you go； the closer you get to the sun。 So the warmer it gets。〃
〃What makes you think the sun is high？〃
〃How can the sun be low？ You have to look up to see the sun。〃
〃What about at night？〃 he said。
〃It's on the other side of the earth。 But people still look up。〃
〃The whole point of Sir Albert Einstein；〃 he said； 〃is how can the sun be up if you're standing on the sun？〃
〃The sun is a great molten ball；〃 she said。 〃It's impossible to stand on the sun。〃
〃He was just saying 'if。' Basically there is no up or down； hot or cold； day or night。〃
〃What is there？〃
〃Heavy molecules。 The whole point of space is to give molecules a chance to cool down after they e shooting off the surface of giant stars。〃
〃If there's no hot or cold； how can molecules cool down？〃
〃Hot and cold are words。 Think of them as words。 We have to use words。 We can't just grunt。〃
〃It's called the sun's corolla；〃 Denise said to Steffie in a separate discussion。 〃We saw it the other night on the weather network。〃
〃I thought Corolla was a car；〃 Steffie said。
〃Everything's a car；〃 Heinrich said。 〃The thing you have to understand about giant stars is that they have actual nuclear explosions deep inside the core。 Totally forget these Russian IBMs that are supposed to be so awesome。 We're talking about a hundred million times bigger explosions。〃
There was a long pause。 No one spoke。 We went back to eating for as long as it took to bite off and chew a single mouthful of food。
〃It's supposed to be Russian psychics who are causing this crazy weather；〃 Babette said。
〃What crazy weather？〃 I said。
Heinrich said； 〃We have psychics； they have psychics； supposedly。 They want to disrupt our crops by influencing the weather。〃
〃The weather's been normal。〃
〃For Jthis time of year；〃 Denise put in smartly。
This was the week a policeman saw a body thrown from a UFO。 It happened while he was on routine patrol on the outskirts of Classboro。 The rain…soaked corpse of an unidentified male was found later that night； fully clothed。 An autopsy disclosed that death was due to multiple fractures and heart failure—the result； perhaps； of a ghastly shock。 Under hypnosis； the policeman； Jerry Tee Walker； relived in detail the baffling sight of the neon…bright object that resembled an enormous spinning top as it hovered eighty feet above a field。 Officer Walker； a Vietnam vet； said the bizarre scene reminded him of helicopter crews throwing Vietcong suspects out the door。 Incredibly； as he watched a hatch e open and the body plummet to the ground； Walker sensed an eerie message being psychically transmitted to his brain。 Police hypnotists plan to intensify their sessions in an attempt to uncover the message。
There were sightings all over the area。 An energizing mental current； a snaky glow； seemed to pass from town to town。 It didn't matter whether you believed in these things or not。 They were an excitement； a wave； a tremor。 Some voice or noise would crack across the sky and we would be lifted out of death。 People drove speculatively to the edges of towns； where some would turn back； some decide to venture toward remoter areas which seemed in these past days to exist under a spell； a hallowed expectation。 The air grew soft and mild。 A neighbor's dog barked through the night。
In the fast food parking lot we ate our brownies。 Crumbs stuck to the heels of our hands。 We inhaled the crumbs； we licked the fingers。 As we got close to finishing； the physical extent of our awareness began to expand。 Food's borders yielded to the wider world。 We looked past our hands。 We looked through the windows； at the cars and lights。 We looked at the people leaving the restaurant； men； women and children carrying cartons of food； leaning into the wind。 An impatience began to flow from the three bodies in the rear seat。 They wanted to be home； not here。 They wanted