Hassan shuffling around the kitchen in the morning； hear the clinking of silverware； the whistle of the teapot。 I d wait to hear the door shut and only then I would walk down to eat。 On my calendar； I circled the date of the first day of school and began a countdown。
To my dismay； Hassan kept trying to rekindle things between us。 I remember the last time。 I was in my room； reading an abbreviated Farsi translation of Ivanhoe； when he knocked on my door。
What is it？
I m going to the baker to buy _naan_； he said from the other side。 I was wondering if you。。。 if you wanted to e along。
I think I m just going to read； I said； rubbing my temples。 Lately； every time Hassan was around； I was getting a headache。
It s a sunny day； he said。
I can see that。
Might be fun to go for a walk。
You go。
I wish you d e along； he said。 Paused。 Something thumped against the door； maybe his forehead。 I don t know what I ve done； Amir agha。 I wish you d tell me。 I don t know why we don t play anymore。
You haven t done anything； Hassan。 Just go。
You can tell me； I ll stop doing it。
I buried my head in my lap； squeezed my temples with my knees； like a vice。 I ll tell you what I want you to stop doing； I said； eyes pressed shut。
Anything。
I want you to stop harassing me。 I want you to go away； I snapped。 I wished he would give it right back to me； break the door open and tell me off……it would have made things easier； better。 But he didn t do anything like that； and when I opened the door minutes later； he wasn t there。 I fell on my bed； buried my head under the pillow； and cried。
HASSAN MILLED ABOUT the periphery of my life after that。 I made sure our paths crossed as little as possible； planned my day that way。 Because when he was around； the oxygen seeped out of the room。 My chest tightened and I couldn t draw enough air； I d stand there； gasping in my own little airless bubble of atmosphere。 But even when he wasn t around； he was。 He was there in the hand…washed and ironed clothes on the cane…seat chair； in the warm slippers left outside my door； in the wood already burning in the stove when I came down for breakfast。 Everywhere I turned； I saw signs of his loyalty； his goddamn unwavering loyalty。
Early that spring； a few days before the new school year started； Baba and I were planting tulips in the garden。 Most of the snow had melted and the hills in
the north were already dotted with patches of green grass。 It was a cool； gray morning； and Baba was squatting next to me； digging the soil and planting the bulbs I handed to him。 He was telling me how most people thought it was better to plant tulips in the fall and how that wasn t true； when I came right out and said it。 Baba； have you ever thought about get ting new servants？
He dropped the tulip bulb and buried the trowel in the dirt。 Took off his gardening gloves。 I d startled him。 Chi？ What did you say？
I was just wondering； that s all。
Why would I ever want to do that？ Baba said curtly。
You wouldn t； I guess。 It was just a question； I said； my voice fading to a murmur。 I was already sorry I d said it。
Is this about you and Hassan？ I know there s something going on between you two； but whatever it is； you have to deal with it； not me。 I m staying out of it。
I m sorry； Baba。
He put on his gloves again。 I grew up with Ali； he said through clenched teeth。 My father took him in； he loved Ali like his own son。 Forty years Ali s been with my family。 Forty goddamn years。 And you think I m just going to throw him out？ He turned to me now； his face as red as a tulip。 I ve never laid a hand on you； Amir； but you ever say that again。。。 He looked away； shaking his head。 You bring me shame。 And Hassan。。。 Hassan s not going anywhere； do you understand？
I looked down and picked up a fistful of cool soil。 Let it pour between my fingers。
I said； Do you understand？ Baba roared。
I flinched。 Yes； Baba。
Hassan s not going anywhere； Baba snapped。 He dug a new hole with the trowel； striking the dirt harder than he had to。 He s staying right here with us； where he belongs。 This is his home and we re his family。 Don t you ever ask me that question again！
I won t； Baba。 I m sorry。
We planted the rest of the tulips in silence。
I was relieved when school started that next week。 Students with new notebooks and sharpened pencils in hand ambled about the courtyard； kicking up dust； chatting in groups； waiting for the class captains whistles。 Baba drove down the dirt lane that led to the entrance。 The school was an old two…story building with broken windows and dim； cobblestone hallways； patches of its original dull yellow paint still showing between sloughing chunks of plaster。 Most of the boys walked to school； and Baba s black Mustang drew more than one envious look。 I should have been beaming with pride when he dropped me off……the old me would have……but all I could muster was a mild form of embarrassment。 That and emptiness。 Baba drove away without saying good…bye。
I bypassed the customary paring of kite…fighting scars and stood in line。 The bell rang and we marched to our assigned class； filed in in pairs。 I sat in the back row。 As the Farsi teacher handed out our textbooks； I prayed for a heavy load of homework。
School gave me an excuse to stay in my room for long hours。 And； for a while； it took my mind off what had happened that winter； what I had let happen。 For a few weeks； I preoccupied myself with gravity and momentum； atoms and cells； the Anglo…Afghan wars； instead of thinking about Hassan and what had happened to him。 But； always； my mind returned to the alley。 To Hassan