ting on a rock on the side of the road as they aired out the van。 Baba was smoking with Kaka Homayoun who was telling Fazila/Karima to stop crying； he d buy her another dress in Jalalabad。 I closed my eyes； turned my face to the sun。 Little shapes formed behind my eyelids； like hands playing shadows on the wall。 They twisted； merged； formed a single image： Hassan s brown corduroy pants discarded on a pile of old bricks in the alley。
KAKA HOMAYOUN S WHITE； two…story house in Jalalabad had a balcony overlooking a large； walled garden with apple and persimmon trees。 There were hedges that； in the summer； the gardener shaped like animals； and a swimming pool with emeraldcolored tiles。 I sat on the edge of the pool； empty save for a layer of slushy snow at the bottom； feet dangling in。 Kaka Homayoun s kids were playing hide…and…seek at the other end of the yard。 The women were cooking and I could smell onions frying already； could hear the phht…phht of a pressure cooker； music； laughter。 Baba； Rahim Khan； Kaka Homayoun； and Kaka Nader were sitting on the balcony； smoking。 Kaka Homayoun was telling them he d brought the projector along to show his slides of France。 Ten years since he d returned from Paris and he was still showing those stupid slides。
It shouldn t have felt this way。 Baba and I were finally friends。 We d gone to the zoo a few days before； seen Marjan the lion； and I had hurled a pebble at the bear when no one was watching。 We d gone to Dadkhoda s Kabob House afterward； across from Cinema Park； had lamb kabob with freshly baked _naan_ from the tandoor。 Baba told me stories of his travels to India and Russia； the people he had met； like the armless； legless couple in Bombay who d been married forty…seven years and raised eleven children。 That should have been fun； spending a day like that with Baba； hearing his stories。 I finally had what I d wanted all those years。 Except now that I had it； I felt as empty as this unkempt pool I was dangling my legs into。
The wives and daughters served dinner……rice； kofta； and chicken _qurma_……at sundown。 We dined the traditional way； sitting on cushions around the room； tablecloth spread on the floor； eating with our hands in groups of four or five from mon platters。 I wasn t hungry but sat down to eat anyway with Baba； Kaka Faruq； and Kaka Homayoun s two boys。 Baba； who d had a few scotches before
dinner； was still ranting about the kite tournament； how I d outlasted them all； how I d e home with the last kite。 His booming voice dominated the room。 People raised their heads from their platters； called out their congratulations。 Kaka Faruq patted my back with his clean hand。 I felt like sticking a knife in my eye。
Later； well past midnight； after a few hours of poker between Baba and his cousins； the men lay down to sleep on parallel mattresses in the same room where we d dined。 The women went upstairs。 An hour later； I still couldn t sleep。 I kept tossing and turning as my relatives grunted； sighed； and snored in their sleep。 I sat up。 A wedge of moonlight streamed in through the window。
I watched Hassan get raped； I said to no one。 Baba stirred in his sleep。 Kaka Homayoun grunted。 A part of me was hoping someone would wake up and hear； so I wouldn t have to live with this lie anymore。 But no one woke up and in the silence that followed； I understood the nature of my new curse： I was going to get away with it。
I thought about Hassan s dream； the one about us swimming in the lake。 There is no monster； he d said； just water。 Except he d been wrong about that。 There was a monster in the lake。 It had grabbed Hassan by the ankles； dragged him to the murky bottom。 I was that monster。
That was the night I became an insomniac。
I DIDN T SPEAK TO HASSAN until the middle of the next week。 I had just half…eaten my lunch and Hassan was doing the dishes。 I was walking upstairs； going to my room； when Hassan asked if I wanted to hike up the hill。 I said I was tired。 Hassan looked tired too……he d lost weight and gray circles had formed under his puffed…up eyes。 But when he asked again； I reluctantly agreed。
We trekked up the hill； our boots squishing in the muddy snow。 Neither one of us said anything。 We sat under our pomegranate tree and I knew I d made a mistake。 I shouldn t have e up the hill。 The words I d carved on the tree trunk with Ali s kitchen knife； Amir and Hassan： The Sultans of Kabul。。。 I couldn t stand looking at them now。
He asked me to read to him from the _Shahnamah_ and I told him I d changed my mind。 Told him I just wanted to go back to my room。 He looked away and shrugged。 We walked back down the way we d gone up in silence。 And for the first time in my life； I couldn t wait for spring。
MY MEMORY OF THE REST of that winter of 1975 is pretty hazy。 I remember I was fairly happy when Baba was home。 We d eat together； go to see a film； visit Kaka Homayoun or Kaka Faruq。 Sometimes Rahim Khan came over and Baba let me sit in his study and sip tea with them。 He d even have me read him some of my stories。 It was good and I even believed it would last。 And Baba believed it too； I think。 We both should have known better。 For at least a few months after the kite tournament； Baba and I immersed ourselves in a sweet illusion； saw each other in a way that we never had before。 We d actually deceived ourselves into thinking that a toy made of tissue paper； glue； and bamboo could somehow close the chasm between us。
But when Baba was out……and he was out a lot……I closed myself in my room。 I read a book every couple of days； wrote sto ries； learned to draw horses。 I d hear
Hassan shuffling around the kitchen in the morning； hear t