nut tree； I think it's best that we don't。 Best for you； I mean。〃
〃But； darling！ Why？ Don't you think I want you？〃
〃I do~ibink you want me。 And God knows I want you。 But 4esp~te your brave talk； I don't think you've ever done that。
… You would want to confess to your husband 。 。 and if you did； it would make you both unhappy…and I don't want to make Captain Smith unhappy either； he's a good sort。 Or maybe you could keep it to yourself…but it would prey on ydur mind。 Because； while you love me…a little…you love
548him a great deal more and I am sure of that。 So it's best。 Isn't that so？〃
Mrs。 Smith was silent a long … moment。 Then she said； 〃Theodore； take me straight to that walnut tree。〃
〃I'lo；〃
〃Why not； dear？ I must show you that I do love you and that I am not afraid to let you have me。〃
〃Maureen； you would do it； you have the courage to do anything。 But you would be tense and worried； afraid that Woodie would wake up。 And you do love Brian。 All the sweetly intimate things you've told me kept saying that。〃
… 〃But dob't you think my heart is big enough for both of you？〃 …
〃i'm certain it is。 You love ten people that I know of； I'm sure you can squeeze in one more。 But I love you and do not want ~ou to do anything that would make a wall between you and your husband； Or hurt you both through your trying to tear down that wall by confessing。 Beloved； I want your love even more than I want your dear； sweet body。〃
Again she was silent before speaking： 〃Theodore； I must tell you things about my husband and me。 Private things。〃
〃You shouldn't。〃
〃I should and I must…and I shall。 But… Please； will you touch me while I talk？ Don't say anything； just touch me closely and intimately and nakedly 。 。 while I strip myself naked with words。 Please？〃
Lazarus put his free hand on her thigh。 She pulled up her skirts； opened her thighs； pushed his hand more firmly to her。
Then she covered his hand with her skirt； and spoke in an even； steady voice：
〃Theodore beloved； I love Brian and Brian loves me and he knows exactly what I am。 I could keep a secret forever to keep from hurting him； and he would do the same for me。 I must
tell you what he said to me before he went away to Plattsburg
…and I must use 'bedroom words；' Theodore； polite words
don't have the force it must have。…
〃The night before he left we were in bed and had jp~'~bad each other； me still wrapped around him like a ~*Jb~'iron and him still deep inside me。 'Swivel Hips；' he *~d~a pet
name he calls me in bed…'I didn't sell the Reo to tie you dowii。 If you want to drive； buy a Ford； it's easier to learn on。' I told him I didn't want to drive； I would wait until he came home。 He answered； 'All right； Hot Bottom'…and that's a pet name； too； and Brian means it most lovingly…'All right； Hot
549Bottom； but buy one if …you wish；… you may need a car while I'm gone。
〃'But a…car is a minor matter。 Your father will be here and that's good…but don't let him boss you。 He'll try； he can't help it； it's his nature。 But you are as strong…willed as he is； stand up to him； he'll respect you for it。
〃'Now to more important matters； Pretty Tits'…and I like that name； too； Theodore； even though they're not and don't stop me to say they are…'Pretty Tits； I may not have gotten you pre？nant； you don't usually catch again this soon。 If not； once I'm back from Plattsburg； we'll keep on trying'…and we did； Theodore； and I caught； as I told you。
〃Brian went on； 'We both know we're going to ~et into this war or …I wouldn't be going to Plattsburg。 It may last a long time…that 〃million men springing to arms overnight〃… is hogwash。 When we do； I'll be gone again； and you'll be lonely
…and we both know what a firecracker you are。 I'm not telling you to jump the fence again'…I said again；' Theodore！…'but if you do； I expect you to do it on purpose； eyes open
and not… to regret it afterwards。 I have enormous respect for your taste and judgment； I know you won't cause a scandal or upset the children。'〃
She paused； then went on： 〃Brian knows me； Theodore…I really am a firecraulcer； and I've never understood why some women don't like it。 My own mother… Nine children and she told me on my wedding day that it was something women …had to put up with for the privilege of having babies。〃 …
Mrs。 Smith snorted。 〃'Put up with！' Theodore； I was not…a virgin when Brian first had me。 Nor had I let him think so； I told him the truth the day I met him 。 。 and two minutes after he took my bloomers off he knew it through having me。
…。。Theodore； I broke my maidenhead three years before I met Brian…on purpose； I've never been a flirt…and told； not my mother； but my father； because I trusted him； we've always been close。 Father didn't scold me； didn't even tell me not to do it again。 He said he knew that I would do it again but hoped tbat I would take his advice and let him keep me out of trouble…and I have and it did。
〃But that first time； when I came to him； Scared and ready
… to cry…it had hurt； Theodore； and wasn't the thrill I had expected…that time Father just sighed and locked the door and had me get on his surgery table and examined me and assured me that I hadn't been damaged…and I felt much better！… and fold me that I was as healthy a woman …as be had ever
examined and would have babies with no tr~uble…and that
… made me feel smug…and Father was right； I have …babies easily and don't yell…or not much。 Not the way Mother used to。
〃After that； Father examined me from time to time。 Doctors don't ordinarily treat their female relatives； not for female things。 But Father was the only doctor I dared tell。 So Father helped me with my problems and got me all over any shyness about being looked at there or anywhere。 Not that I was ever too shy； he told me that sort of modesty was dadratted nonsense…when Mother was telling me… the exact opposite。 I believed him； didn't believe her。 …
〃But I was telling you what Brian said to me in bed that night。 Brian added； 'I want you to promise one thing； Pussycat。 If you find that you haven't kept your legs crossed； will you keep it to yourself until this war is over？ I will do the same if I have something to confess…and I might！ Let's not worry each other more than we have to until the Kaiser is taken care of。 Then when I e home； I'll take you to the Ozarks…leave the children home with someone； just us two… and you won't see anything but the ceiling while we get caught up； and also catch up on anything we need to talk about。 Is it a bargain； my darling？
〃I promised； Theodore。 I didn't promise not to jump the fence； he wouldn't let me promise that。 I promised to be careful…and to save any confessing until the war was won。 I wanted to promise that much because 。 。 he 。 。 might not
e back！〃
Her voice had been steady up to the last。 Then it broke； and he realized that she was crying。 He started to remove his hand and to pull over to the side of the road。 Mrs。 Smith grabbed his hand； pushed it more firmly back between her thighs； and said； 〃No； no； do touch me and don't stop the car！ Or I might rape you。 I don't know why it makes me so pas
… sonate when I let myself remember that Brian might not e back froj~i； the war。 But … it does。 Fve been that way ever since the day we declared war。 。 and always… have to look serene and calm and unworried。 For the children。 Fo？ Brian。 I haven't Jet Brian see me cry； Theodore。 You have just…now… I suddenly could not help it。 But I would rather you told。 Brian that I tried to seduce you than have …you tell him that。i cried through fear that he might not e back！ … …
〃Mid now I'll stop it。〃 Mrs。 Smith took a kerchief from her purse； wiped her eyes； blew her nose。 〃Don't take me home yet； the children must not see me with my eyes red。〃 …~
Lazarus decided to break cover。 〃I love you； Maureen。〃
〃I love you； Theodore。 In spite of my tears； you have made me happy。 By letting me unburden myself…and I should not have； you are going to war； too。 I feel almost married to you now； by telling you things I haven't been able to talk about with anyone else。 If you had put me on the grass and had me
…it would have been sweet and just what I planned。 But this is even closer。 And sweeter。 A woman can open her body to a man without opening her mind。 I had two babies by Brian
第78节
… before I learned to open my mind to him the way I have to you tonight。〃
〃Perhaps our minds are much alike； Maureen。 Your father thinks we are cousins。〃 …
〃No； he doesn't； darling； he thinks you're my half brother。〃
〃Did he say that？〃
〃And I think so； too。 By things Father did not say； dea…r Theodore。 By how broken up he was when he misunderstood you about your intention to enlist。 By the way he insisted that we must claim a service star for you。 I feel sure he is right
and I want to believe it。 Yes； that makes what I tried to do to you dreadfully sinful in some people's eyes。 Incest。 I did not care a whit。 Since I'm pregnant； it could not possibly cause harm to a baby 。 。 and that's the only thing that could make incest wrong。〃 …
（How to tell her？ How much to tell her？ But I must make her believe me。） 〃Your church would call it sinful。〃
〃I don't give a fig for the church！ Theodore； I'm not devout； I'm a freethinker； like Father。 Church is a good atmosphere for children…and gives me a proper appearance as a respectable wife and mother…that's all！ 'Sin' would not stop me； I don't believe in sin the way the church means it。 Sex isn't sin； sex is never sin。 What would stop me would be a chance of getting pregnant by someone other than Brian…but I am pregnant。 That you are my half brother didn't cause … me a woment's fret； it just made me more anxious to tell you a warrior's good…bye。〃
… 〃Maureen； I'm not your half brother。〃
〃Are you sure？ Even if you're not； you are still my warrior
…I was as proud as Father when you volunteered。〃
〃I'm your warrior； be sure of that。 But 1 need to know something。 This man Nancy may marry… Is he a Howard？'
〃What did you say？〃
〃Is he on the approved list of the Ira Howard Foundation？〃
He heard her catch her breath。 〃Where did you hear of the Foundation？' …
〃'Life is short…'〃… …
〃'But the years are long；' 〃 she answered。
'Not 〃While the Evil Days e Not。〃'〃
〃Goodness！ I… I think…I'm going to cry again！〃
〃Stop it。 What is the young man's name？〃
…〃Jonathan Weatheral。〃
〃…of the Weatheral…Sperling line。 Yes； I remember。 …Maureen； I am… not 'Ted Bronson。' I am Lazarus Long of the Johnson Family。 Your family。 I am descended from you。〃
For …several moments she seemed not to breathe。 Then she said softly； 〃I think I am losing my mind。〃 …
〃No； my gallant love； you hav