audaciousness to think； I am sure； that all was anything but lost。 I
hadn't； no； why should I say I hadn't if I ever had； any hope that it
was possible to be so blest； not after the words that passed； not even
if barriers insurmountable had not been raised！ But is that a reason why
I am to have no memory； why I am to have no thoughts； why I am to have
no sacred spots； nor anything？'
'What can you mean？' cried Arthur。
'It's all very well to trample on it； sir；' John went on； scouring a
very prairie of wild words； 'if a person can make up his mind to be
guilty of the action。 It's all very well to trample on it； but it's
there。 It may be that it couldn't be trampled upon if it wasn't there。
But that doesn't make it gentlemanly； that doesn't make it honourable；
that doesn't justify throwing a person back upon himself after he has
struggled and strived out of himself like a butterfly。 The world may
sneer at a turnkey； but he's a man……when he isn't a woman； which among
female criminals he's expected to be。'
Ridiculous as the incoherence of his talk was； there was yet a
truthfulness in Young john's simple； sentimental character； and a sense
of being wounded in some very tender respect； expressed in his burning
face and in the agitation of his voice and manner； which Arthur must
have been cruel to disregard。 He turned his thoughts back to the
starting…point of this unknown injury； and in the meantime Young John；
having rolled his green packet pretty round； cut it carefully into three
pieces； and laid it on a plate as if it were some particular delicacy。
'It seems to me just possible；' said Arthur； when he had retraced the
conversation to the water…cresses and back again； 'that you have made
some reference to Miss Dorrit。'
'It is just possible； sir；' returned John Chivery。
'I don't understand it。 I hope I may not be so unlucky as to make you
think I mean to offend you again； for I never have meant to offend you
yet； when I say I don't understand it。'
'Sir；' said Young John； 'will you have the perfidy to deny that you know
and long have known that I felt towards Miss Dorrit； call it not the
presumption of love； but adoration and sacrifice？'
'Indeed； John； I will not have any perfidy if I know it； why you should
suspect me of it I am at a loss to think。 Did you ever hear from Mrs
Chivery； your mother； that I went to see her once？'
'No； sir；' returned John； shortly。 'Never heard of such a thing。'
'But I did。 Can you imagine why？'
'No； sir；' returned John； shortly。 'I can't imagine why。'
'I will tell you。 I was solicitous to promote Miss Dorrit's happiness；
and if I could have supposed that Miss Dorrit returned your affection……'
Poor John Chivery turned crimson to the tips of his ears。 'Miss Dorrit
never did； sir。 I wish to be honourable and true； so far as in my humble
way I can； and I would scorn to pretend for a moment that she ever did；
or that she ever led me to believe she did； no； nor even that it was
ever to be expected in any cool reason that she would or could。 She was
far above me in all respects at all times。 As likewise；' added John；
'similarly was her gen…teel family。' His chivalrous feeling towards all
that belonged to her made him so very respectable； in spite of his
small stature and his rather weak legs； and his very weak hair； and
his poetical temperament； that a Goliath might have sat in his place
demanding less consideration at Arthur's hands。
'You speak； john；' he said； with cordial admiration； 'like a Man。'
'Well； sir；' returned John； brushing his hand across his eyes； 'then I
wish you'd do the same。'
He was quick with this unexpected retort； and it again made Arthur
regard him with a wondering expression of face。
'Leastways；' said John； stretching his hand across the tea…tray； 'if too
strong a remark； withdrawn！ But； why not； why not？ When I say to you；
Mr Clennam； take care of yourself for some one else's sake； why not be
open； though a turnkey？ Why did I get you the room which I knew you'd
like best？ Why did I carry up your things？
Not that I found 'em heavy； I don't mention 'em on that accounts； far
from it。 Why have I cultivated you in the manner I have done since the
morning？ On the ground of your own merits？ No。 They're very great； I've
no doubt at all； but not on the ground of them。 Another's merits have
had their weight； and have had far more weight with Me。 Then why not
speak free？'
'Unaffectedly； John；' said Clennam； 'you are so good a fellow and I have
so true a respect for your character； that if I have appeared to be less
sensible than I really am of the fact that the kind services you have
rendered me to…day are attributable to my having been trusted by
Miss Dorrit as her friend……I confess it to be a fault； and I ask your
forgiveness。'
'Oh！ why not；' John repeated with returning scorn； 'why not speak free！'
'I declare to you；' returned Arthur； 'that I do not understand you。
Look at me。 Consider the trouble I have been in。 Is it likely that I
would wilfully add to my other self…reproaches； that of being ungrateful
or treacherous to you。 I do not understand you。'
John's incredulous face slowly softened into a face of doubt。 He rose；
backed into the garret…window of the room； beckoned Arthur to e
there； and stood looking at him thoughtfully。 'Mr Clennam； do you mean
to say that you don't know？'
'What； John？'
'Lord；' said Young John； appealing with a gasp to the spikes on the
wall。 'He says； What！'
Clennam looked at the spikes； and looked at John； and looked at the
spikes； and looked at John。
'He says What！ And what is more；' exclaimed Young John； surveying him in
a doleful maze； 'he appears to mean it！ Do you see this window； sir？'
'Of course I see this window。'
'See this room？'
'Why； of course I see this room。'
'That wall opposite； and that yard down below？ They have all been
witnesses of it； from day to day； from night to night； from week to
week； from month to month。 For how often have I seen Miss Dorrit here
when she has not seen me！'
'Witnesses of what？' said Clennam。
'Of Miss Dorrit's love。'
'For whom？'
'You；' said John。 And touched him with the back of his hand upon the
breast； and backed to his chair； and sat down on it with a pale face；
holding the arms； and shaking his head at him。
If he had dealt Clennam a heavy blow； instead of laying that light touch
upon him； its effect could not have been to shake him more。 He stood
amazed； his eyes looking at John； his lips parted； and seeming now and
then to form the word 'Me！' without uttering it； his hands dropped at
his sides； his whole appearance that of a man who has been awakened from
sleep； and stupefied by intelligence beyond his full prehension。
'Me！' he at length said aloud。
'Ah！' groaned Young John。 'You！'
He did what he could to muster a smile； and returned； 'Your fancy。 You
are pletely mistaken。'
'I mistaken； sir！' said Young John。 '_I_ pletely mistaken on that
subject！ No； Mr Clennam； don't tell me so。 On any other； if you like；
for I don't set up to be a perating character； and am well aware of
my own deficiencies。 But； _I_ mistaken on a point that has caused me
more smart in my breast than a flight of savages' arrows could have
done！ _I_ mistaken on a point that almost sent me into my grave； as
I sometimes wished it would； if the grave could only have been made
patible with the tobacco…business and father and mother's feelings！ I
mistaken on a point that； even at the present moment； makes me take out
my pocket…handkercher like a great girl； as people say： though I am sure
I don't know why a great girl should be a term of reproach； for every
rightly constituted male mind loves 'em great and small。 Don't tell me
so； don't tell me so！'
Still highly respectable at bottom； though absurd enough upon the
surface； Young John took out his pocket…handkerchief with a genuine
absence both of display and concealment； which is only to be seen in
a man with a great deal of good in him； when he takes out his
pocket…handkerchief for the purpose of wiping his eyes。 Having dried
them； and indulged in the harmless luxury of a sob and a sniff； he put
it up again。
The touch was still in its influence so like a blow that Arthur could
not get many words together to close the subject with。 He assured John
Chivery when he had returned his handkerchief to his pocket； that he
did all honour to his disinterestedness and to the fidelity of his
remembrance of Miss Dorrit。 As to the impression on his mind； of which
he had just relieved it……here John interposed； and said； 'No impression！
Certainty！'……as to that； they might perhaps speak of it at another time；
but would say no more now。 Feeling low…spirited and weary； he would go
back to his room； with john's leave； and e out no more that night。
John assented； and he crept back in the shadow of the wall to his own
lodging。
The feeling of the blow was still so strong upon him that； when the
dirty old woman was gone whom he found sitting on the stairs outside
his door； waiting to make his bed； and who gave him to understand while
doing it； that she had received her instructions from Mr Chivery； 'not
the old 'un but the young 'un；' he sat down in the faded arm…chair；
pressing his head between his hands； as if he had been stunned。 Little
Dorrit love him！ More bewildering to him than his misery； far。
Consider the improbability。 He had been accustomed to call her his
child； and his dear child； and to invite her confidence by dwelling upon
the difference in their respective ages； and to speak of himself as one
who was turning old。 Yet she might not have thought him old。 Something
reminded him that he had not thought himself so； until the roses had
floated away upon the river。
He had her two letters among other papers in his box； and he took them
out and read them。 There seemed to be a sound in them like the sound
of her sweet voice。 It fell upon his ear with many tones of tenderness；
that were not insusceptible of the new meaning。 Now it was that the
quiet desolation of her answer；'No； No； No；' made to him that night
in that very room……that night when he had been shown the dawn of her
altered fortune； and when other words had passed between them which he
had been destined to remember in humiliation and a prisoner； rushed into
his mind。
Consider the improbability。
But it had a preponderating tendency； when considered； to bee
fainter。 There was another and a curious inquiry of his own heart's that
concurrently became stronger。 In the reluctance he had felt to believe
that she loved any one； in his desire to set that question at rest； in
a half…formed consciousness he had had that there would be a kind of
nobleness in his helping her love for any one； was there no suppressed
something on his own side that he had hushed as it arose？ Had he ever
whispered to himself that he must not think of such a thing as her
loving him； that he must not take advantage of her gratitude； that he
must keep his experience in remembrance as a warning and reproof；
that he must regard such youthful hopes as having passed away； as his
friend's dead daughter had passed away； that he must be steady in saying